Cats, Neighbors and Neighbors Cats (Part 1)

March 31st, 2009 § 6

I am surrounded by cats. I have been for years. This is an enormous problem in that I cannot stand cats. It’s not an allergy thing, though I do have some allergic reaction to cat dander. It’s also not one of those “I’m a guy and cannot like small fuzzy things because it makes me look weak and also feel kinda warm inside” things. I just get a bad vibe from cats. Call it male intuition, but I really think they’re up to something as a species; something that is not good; something CATastrophic… He he hahaha.. ha.. ha,.. ahem.

Now, before you think this is all about me randomly selecting an animal at which to direct the anger pent up in me as an Oakland A’s fan, allow me to share a bit of my history…

While I was on Young Life staff, I lived in a basement with another YL staff guy. It was not really a room. It was a basement. We had some stuff in it to sit on and places to put things which made it room-like; but you can create that same effect outdoors. This was a basement. The owner of the house who was renting this basement had two cats. One of them named something cat-ish, like “Felix” or “Tabby” or “Get Behind Me Satan.” This cat was alright insofar as he/she/it kept to itself upstairs and rarely if ever came near either my roommate or me. The other cat… well…

…The other cat’s name was “BK,” or “Big Kitty” which is more of a description than a name and therefore a bit like naming one of your children “Daughter #2” or “The Short One…” but that’s beside the point. The point is that a cat by any other name would still crap on my doorstep.

You see, BK would periodically enter our place and start snooping around; I am assuming he was scoping the joint to see how easily he could hide our bodies when his master plan came to fruition. We’d shoo the cat out using the “phssst” noise; an act that always leaves a grown man feeling so good about himself. At one point a guest in our place warned us that if we were not kinder to the cat, the cat would seek some kind of revenge. She was right. BK took to the regular practice of pooping in front of our entryway.. When I write that he did it regularly, I mean it was almost everyday.

(here I pause to point out one of the primary differences between cats and dogs. When dogs have to poop, they simply think “I have to poop right now and would like to know where other dogs have pooped so that I can keep with tradition.” Cats, on the other hand, when they have to poop, think to themselves “where can I put this that would cause maximum torment and frustration for those who stand in the way of my dastardly plan?”)

We went through several doormats before eliminating the doormat entirely, thinking we might throw BK off. With the doormat gone, the poop onslaught ceased… or so we thought. BK had not at all been daunted by our removal of the doormat. He simply shifted the strategy of his offensive and began pooping in front of our bathroom door… (to be continued)

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Tagged: Cat, humor, Young Life

6 Responses to “Cats, Neighbors and Neighbors Cats (Part 1)”

Lance Christian Johnson says:

March 31, 2009 at 8:22 pm

As somebody who has owned cats his whole life, your description of where cats want to poop is TOTALLY contrary to my experience. In fact, that cat’s behavior is quite the anomoly, and if you told me that a dog did that, I’d have an easier time believing it.

A cat’s attitude towards pooping (and no anthropomorphism here – we’re talking pure kitty instinct) is more like: “Where can I hide this crap?” For a cat to drop one right on a doorstep is quite strange. In a potted plant? Sure. But in plain sight? That’s completely contrary to a cat’s basic instincts.

Regarding a dog’s attitude, that’s somewhat correct. I have two, and they have different behaviors. One will plop one out wherever we may be while on a walk. The other waits until we get home so he can do it in his dog run (he also prefers to go when nobody watches, and if I didn’t have to clean it up on a nightly basis, I’d think that he never went at all!)

So, you’re wrong. And remember, an animal doesn’t make things personal. Don’t you remember the lesson of Moby Dick? Don’t get all Captain Ahab on us.

[Reply]
admin says:

April 1, 2009 at 10:53 am

Ahab was misunderstood. That whale was totally egging him on. Punk-whale.

[Reply]
Lance Christian Johnson says:

April 1, 2009 at 6:39 pm

I forgot to mention that the reason why you don’t really need to “train” a cat how to use a litterbox is because the instinctively like the idea of pooping in a place where they can bury it.

I had a cat who went outdoors for 13 years of her life. When I brought her in as inside-only, she went right to the litterbox and never used anything else.

[Reply]
Matthew says:

April 8, 2009 at 12:42 pm

Lance, it’s true… I just happen to have a picture to prove it.

http://picasaweb.google.com/matthew.holderfield/Randoms#5322376792646883202

[Reply]
Lance Christian Johnson says:

April 9, 2009 at 12:26 am

I don’t doubt that it’s true. Still, it’s really far from typical cat behavior.

[Reply]
Matthew says:

April 9, 2009 at 1:41 pm

I mostly just wanted to post my picture of cat poop on Justin’s doormat.

[Reply]