As a bunch of y’all know, I’m on vacation until June 1, at which point I will no longer be on vacation and will be back to more regularly posting. But until then, I wanted to share this brief vacation thought.

I’m embracing the need for “vacation” to be an exercise in making my life to look exactly the way I want it when I’m not on vacation. That, rather than “letting myself go” or deviating from myself to such a degree that I need time to recover from my vacation, I am purposefully shaping my days to be more conducive to mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health; up a bit earlier, time to exercise, honest/serious conversation, great books, good food…

The thing I am finding holds all this together is stillness. It’s the one thing that I have implemented that I have had to seriously discipline myself for. But it’s been the discipline of silence/stillness that given meaning and life to the rest, the same way Sabbath gives meaning and shape to all other days of the week.

Of course it is far easier to find stillness and silence while on vacation, but as I alluded to earlier, I hope the shape my days are taking now gives me such a taste in my mouth for living well that I’d fight for such things once I’m “back at it.”

Late last week I tweeted that I was compiling a summer reading list. I tried to set a tone by referring to my favorite author, Kurt Vonnegut, noting that I’d run through all his work at least twice and was looking to find some new directions to read in.  I received a great list over Twitter and Facebook. On top of that, readers chimed in with a few longer lists over email. So, below is a partial list, made up of titles that received more than one mention.  I’ve also commented on a few that I have some knowledge of or came with more persistent recommendation.

“Geek Love” - Katherine Dunn

“Winter’s Tale” – Mark Helprin

“Endurance: Shackleton’s Incredible Voyage” – Alfred Lansing

“I’m Proud of You: My friendship with Fred Rogers” – Tim Madigan

“Twilight”… ahem.. .really?

“The Great Emergence” – Phyllis Tickle

“Silence” – Shusaku Endo

“Redeeming Love” – Francine Rivers
Funny note about this: EVERY guy (and there were a few) who mentioned this book coupled his recommendation  with something along the lines of “I don’t normally read this kind of stuff, but…” Classic.

And now a few I know something about…

“Life of The Beloved” and “Wounded Healer” – Henri Nouwen
Nouwen’s “In The Name Of Jesus” is one of those books I return to over and over again (along with “The Brothers Karamazov” and “Roget’s Pocket Thesaurus”).

“Blood Meridian” – Cormac McCarthy
I had read “”Child of God” quite a long time ago.. I don’t remember when.. and hadn’t read anything else until “The Road” which I read a year or so ago and passed on to several folks.  I don’t remember being as captured by “Child of God.” “The Road” was like crack… and you all know how much I love crack.

“Jayber Crow” – Wendell Berry
Berry’s “Sex, Economy, Freedom and Community” rearanged my DNA.  I haven’t spent any time with his poetry or fiction.  This book title has come of so often I’m embarassed to say I’ve not gotten there.

“Holy The Firm”- Annie Dillard
I’ve really enjoyed Annie Dillard’s work.  Andrew Peterson turned me on to “Pilgrim At Tinker Creek” and I devoured it. I’ve not read “Holy…” yet but now it’s on the list.

David Sedaris
Yes. Absolutely.  I’d mainly heard Sedaris on NPR until I purchased “When You Are Engulfed In Flames” in an airport on the way to Germany and then proceeded to nod and laugh intermittently for 8 hours.  I need more Sedaris in my life.

John Updike
As an english major in college I read my fair share of of Updike but ceased to follow through after graduation, leaning more towards Frank Miller for a while.

Bill Bryson
A British friend of mine turned me onto “Notes From A Small Island” a few years ago.  I’ve since read a few of his books but not quite gotten around to “Walk In The Woods” which is the title more folks seem familiar with.

“The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay” – Michael Chabon
This looks incredibly interesting to me.  As something of a comic-nerd myself, I’m a sucker for this kind of thing.  Much like, as a baseball fan, I fell in love with David James Duncan’s “The Brothers K.”  The only book more enticing on my list than this one was…

“Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal“ – Christopher Moore
This was one of the most recommended books. What’s mostly intriguing to me is that my love of Vonnegut is the thing that folks mainly site when referring Moore to me.

Yay for voracious readers.  Thanks for the list… I gotta get on this.

Here’s an excerpt from the blog I just posted at Soul-Audio.com:

“At times it can be difficult for me, as an artist, to articulate what I want to see happen with my work. In one way, the ‘result’ or desired effect of my work once it’s left my hands is not really even my responsibility. But if I desired any particular kind of response or reaction it would be something like what a recent visitor to my blog articulated when he wrote…”

Read the whole entry at Soul-Audio.com

Though this was posted May 7, it was written on the 6th…

Every year for the past 11 years, this day sneaks up on me and before I realize it, I’m in the middle of it.

On May 6th, 1998, my father ended his own life with a handgun and on may 6th each successive year I remember him a bit more distinctly than on other days.

…I remember him coaching soccer with a Darth-Vader mask on so we’d pay attention.
…I remember him dancing to Elvis without a shirt on.
…I remember him taking me out to go running for the first time.
…I remember he and I running for the last time.
…I remember how old he looked the last year of his life.. far older than he was.
…I remember that he and my mother danced really well together.
…I remember him reading.
…I remember him showing up at everything I did.
…I remember the first time I realized he’d be absent for everything from then on.

I don’t write a whole lot about this subject but it’s not because it is too painful.  Likewise, it’s not because “I’m over it” (whatever it is people mean when they say that).  I don’t bring it up very much because it’s simply become part of who I am, like graduating from college or getting married or attending my first rock show (REM, in case you wanted to know).  The darkness of that event and the shadow that stands in the place my father would normally take in my life are simply part of the landscape now.  Just like the frustration and confusion born in me due to the disappointment of my expectations of God and His goodness are part of my relationship with God.

I live in dichotomy, I live in tension.. and I’m learning that there is no “trick” to resolving or relieving this tension. In fact, it keeps me alive.

Brian Greene recently wrote an article in WIRED magazine about mystery.  He begins by positing the depression that would set in among the scientific community if, under extraordinary circumstances, everything got fixed/solved. He writes…

“Science is the journey.  Science is about immersing ourselves in piercing uncertainty while struggling with the deepest of mysteries. It is the ultimate adventure.”

(Of course, he then goes on to say that we are really just monkeys, that God is not real and that none of this matters because life is meaningless… because he is a scientist, and therefore, an enemy of Truth… right?)

Surely this is not only true of Science but true of life…  and true of Science because it is an examination of life… and surely if Science is driven by mystery and uncertainty, then our religion must be as well…

… and there I go.. going on… preaching to myself; fighting off the lingering grip of unreligious thinking that tells me I will be “whole” when I am unaffected by my history, free of doubt.  But my uncertainties are part of my faith; my history is part of my everyday; my sadness part of my joy; the darker shades of my person differentiate between the lighter shades and all of this is part  of what makes me ..

well..

..whole.  A whole person.  And that is something my father could not see about himself. Because those same unreligious thoughts had convinced him that his failures made him less than human; that only his successes made him worth something.  But he was more than the sum total of his wins and losses.. and because of the sickening emptiness his absence leaves in me, I now know that I am more than that.