Though this was posted May 7, it was written on the 6th…
Every year for the past 11 years, this day sneaks up on me and before I realize it, I’m in the middle of it.
On May 6th, 1998, my father ended his own life with a handgun and on may 6th each successive year I remember him a bit more distinctly than on other days.
…I remember him coaching soccer with a Darth-Vader mask on so we’d pay attention.
…I remember him dancing to Elvis without a shirt on.
…I remember him taking me out to go running for the first time.
…I remember he and I running for the last time.
…I remember how old he looked the last year of his life.. far older than he was.
…I remember that he and my mother danced really well together.
…I remember him reading.
…I remember him showing up at everything I did.
…I remember the first time I realized he’d be absent for everything from then on.
I don’t write a whole lot about this subject but it’s not because it is too painful. Likewise, it’s not because “I’m over it” (whatever it is people mean when they say that). I don’t bring it up very much because it’s simply become part of who I am, like graduating from college or getting married or attending my first rock show (REM, in case you wanted to know). The darkness of that event and the shadow that stands in the place my father would normally take in my life are simply part of the landscape now. Just like the frustration and confusion born in me due to the disappointment of my expectations of God and His goodness are part of my relationship with God.
I live in dichotomy, I live in tension.. and I’m learning that there is no “trick” to resolving or relieving this tension. In fact, it keeps me alive.
Brian Greene recently wrote an article in WIRED magazine about mystery. He begins by positing the depression that would set in among the scientific community if, under extraordinary circumstances, everything got fixed/solved. He writes…
“Science is the journey. Science is about immersing ourselves in piercing uncertainty while struggling with the deepest of mysteries. It is the ultimate adventure.”
(Of course, he then goes on to say that we are really just monkeys, that God is not real and that none of this matters because life is meaningless… because he is a scientist, and therefore, an enemy of Truth… right?)
Surely this is not only true of Science but true of life… and true of Science because it is an examination of life… and surely if Science is driven by mystery and uncertainty, then our religion must be as well…
… and there I go.. going on… preaching to myself; fighting off the lingering grip of unreligious thinking that tells me I will be “whole” when I am unaffected by my history, free of doubt. But my uncertainties are part of my faith; my history is part of my everyday; my sadness part of my joy; the darker shades of my person differentiate between the lighter shades and all of this is part of what makes me ..
well..
..whole. A whole person. And that is something my father could not see about himself. Because those same unreligious thoughts had convinced him that his failures made him less than human; that only his successes made him worth something. But he was more than the sum total of his wins and losses.. and because of the sickening emptiness his absence leaves in me, I now know that I am more than that.
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Thank you for sharing this Justin, I had heard about the story but never heard the story. (If the italics don’t work than sorry I hoped HTML was allowed.)
Your strength of character is beyond an inspiration, and I consider myself lucky to know you. I must admit I feel like an ass for yesterday, like I should have known, so I apologize.
God bless you brother, and all of your family, past, present and future.
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Justin,
thank you for sharing this. Last week, I saw a close friend of mine whose story was very similar to yours. i can’t begin to fathom the mix of memories that this produces.
Keep remembering, and keep dreaming and bringing into reality a different world. God is using you to inspire, encourage, and ignite a lot of people, and I hope in the middle of all of the memories that you contemplate, that you remember the myriad ways your dad helped shape you into the man you are today.
Keep blazing brightly for the glory of Christ!
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Man, it seems just like yesterday you were releasing “Father”. It was that year (2000) that I first experienced your live show and was hooked with your wit, humor, sincerity, and transparency. It was a powerful thing; you sharing your experiences with your Father’s passing then, and it’s still powerful now as evidence through your post. I feel you; nobody just ‘gets over’ events of this magnitude. They become part of who we are; who we will be. It’s what we do with these ‘pieces’ that eventually makes up who we are. It’s then that we can “see” the past and “know” why God has challenged/inspired/angered us. Keeping you in Prayer in the Hoosier land.
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Justin,
Thanks for that. A timely post for the season of life I’m in.
Peace.
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Hi Justin,
You dont know me but someone sent me a link to your blog and wanted me to read this particular post. I too have had someone close to me take his own life. And it is weird to see how similar it effects people after reading your blog. Thank you for your post.
God Bless,
Lucas
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I love you.
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I remember at your father’s memorial service you said “Don’t try and “get it”. You are not going to “get it”.
I was reading Oswald today and it talked about how we may not know the whys of our circumstances, but we know God.
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Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing the tragedy that shapes you.
God is good
jpu
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It’s wonderful to choose to celebrate his life rather than the final day!
Proverbs 18:21 the power of life and death come from thy tongue and those who love it will eat its fruit.
Praise God!
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Your explanation of the “whole person” is excellent. We need not always try so hard to be our own salvation and completeness.
Thanks for the reminder.
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Thanks Justin for being open and tangible. It means a lot to see someone I admire so much as an artist and worship leader; share the soul that ignites the magnificence of the words you write, the music you play, and the leadership you convey. I pray this week is a special one for you!
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thanks for this…
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