I shared with y’all a few days ago that this Saturday, Aug 1st, I will be celebrating my 10th anniversary. I’ve really enjoyed my marriage and look forward to the next 10 years.  So, here are a few thoughts I’ve been chewing on as I’ve spent some time recently reflecting on the things that have marked our marriage over the past 10 years.

-I Don’t Need You, I Choose You
I’m not at all saying that I don’t need Amy’s help or insight (or that she doesn’t need mine) from time to time, even often. But our need for one another is not the foundation of our marriage.  Need implies usefulness and usefulness is a bad motive for relationships; I keep shoes around because I need them and then discard them when I’m done with them; their use is depleted.

Love and necessity have a very strange interplay in a marriage but the bottom line is that Love has to say something more than “I need you.”  It has to move past usefulness to something more like “if you were of no use at all, lost all your beauty and ability, I would still be here because I choose you. I did not marry you because I can’t get along without you;  I married you because I don’t want to do life without you.”

-Two Whole Persons
“You complete me” is a really cute line from a mediocre movie but shooodang, it is a horrendous practice in relationships.  I valued Amy because of who she was without me.  She’s still a whole person without me and I value her for everything that makes her who she is.  I’d have a difficult time respecting someone whose identity was so tied to mine that she doesn’t know who she is without me.  I respect Amy as her own person and am glad to share life with her.  I can admire and root for her in her own pursuits and gifts just as I can in they ways we share life.

-Shared Mission
One of the best aspects of our marriage has been the adventure of our shared mission.  From our commitment to our local community to our partnership with Compassion International (the decision to sponsor 5 children as well as to travel as advocates), we’ve been on the same journey to live missionally and generously. It is heartbreaking to see folks get married to someone in hopes that the other will either slow down their pace of life or pick it up.  While there may not be a formula for determining which person is “the right person,”  I would suggest that if you don’t find yourself headed down the same roads at the same pace and with similar passions, you may want to take a long look at sticking together long-term.

-Fun
Our courtship was a blast.  We actually dated long-distance for over a 18 months, during which time we competed to see who could get the most impressive item sent through the mail.  She stamped a frisbee and sent it, I wrote a letter on a rubber duck, stamped it and sent it.  She wrote a letter on a giant rubber ball (almost waist high on me), stamped it and sent it.  I wrote a note on the sole of my shoe (ew.. I know), stamped it and sent it.  She sent a dozen eggs upon which she had written a letter with a clear wax pencil; the intention was that I dye the eggs in order to read the message.. I ate the eggs… She did not think that was funny.  There were many more exchanges like that.. It was how we fell in love.

Now, It’s easy to think that this kind of stuff is all part of the ‘game’ by which we impress the ones we’re trying to win.  I’m learning even now that that ‘game’ (if we want to call it a game) is never over.  The emphasis changes from trying to win the attention of someone we want to know to creatively expressing to that same person how much we still want to know and enjoy them.. Even after 10 years, I have more fun with Amy than with just about anyone (exceptions include dogs who wrestle).

-How Many People Are In This Marriage?
I remember being told that I’m not just marrying Amy but marrying her entire family as well (In Amy’s case this includes a twin sister, divorced parents, generous and insightful in-laws and Italian relatives) That’s also been true of the community we live in.  Our church community is uniquely close and I can say with great assurance that the health of our relationship owes a great debt to the folks we live life with.  They have shared in our victories and our defeats.. They help us keep laughing and praying etc… The people who make up Shelter Covenant Church are as much a part of this marriage as our legal and biological families. Our marriage is more than just the two people in it.  We’re better with our families, our friends and our community.

-2 Lists
It’s fun, easy and helpful to make the list of things we adore about someone (particularly someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with).  That list is also pretty easy to commit to.  It’s the OTHER list that becomes more important as time passes.  One of the truly pivotal moments in our pre-marital counseling was being asked to make a list of things we knew we did not like about one another.  Once we made those lists, we exchanged them to see what it was about us that was about us that the other did not like (so much fun) and then took them back.  Our counselor asked us to take a long look at that list and ask this question: “What will I do when none of these things change?”

This made it really clear that we were each marrying a flawed person.  It’s been important for us to know that we committed to both lists; enjoying and benefiting from the one while having grace for and carrying the burden of the other. If either one of us had held onto the expectation that we would change the other then we would have ended up sorely frustrated and disappointed.

-Sex
Do it.  It’s really great.  Of course, sex takes on a much different character the longer you are married.  It’s centrality and importance tend to wane while it’s meaning grows and deepens exponentially (or sexponentially.. haha. he.. ahem).  Sex becomes less a matter of impulse and freedom and more a way in which you share yourself with your spouse; a way to serve one another rather than a way to satisfy a need.

-Being Her Biggest Fan
This is key to both sides of a healthy relationship but I’d suggest it’s a more important discipline for the fellas.  With regards to the things she is interested in (athletics, art, academics.. whatever it is that gives her life to do), you must be her biggest fan.  A friend of mine ran a half-marathon last year.  Her husband did not run the race but showed up every 2 miles or so at an intersection or crossing to cheer his wife on.  That’s what I’m talking about.

—–

This weekend (Saturday, August 1) is my 10th anniversary.  I’ve got a short list of thoughts I’m finishing up (with the help of Mrs. Mcbob) and I’ll post it soon before the weekend hits.  Meanwhile, this is a shot of us this past June at Young Life’s Woodleaf.. where we actually met for the first time back in 199somethingorother… aren’t we just too cute?

In all honesty, I used to get all bummed out at the ads I ran into as a navigated the deep, dark interwebular waters.  But I see now that my frustration only blinded me to the poetic and at times brilliant insanity of the advertising world.  Below is only a sampling of the ads that are apparently targeted at me according to my age, tastes and eye-color.

Now, I’m a sports fan for certain which is why this bit of wisdom/advertising showed up on my facebook page:

and really.. who doesn’t agree? It’s never about coming back from 20 points down in the fourth quarter that inspires fans.. it’s the inflatable tunnel.. every. single. time.

Even now, as I think of my favorite sports team, I can only picture them emerging from an inflatable tunnel.. it is the image burned into my memory.

I remember sitting in my office during a particularly chilly winter evening and thinking to myself.. “Self, don’t you just wish you had something soft, luxurious and unique to wear around your neck right now?”

And as we all know, everyone looks good in Alpaca..  EVERYONE.

Need more convicing of this?  Just look deep into my eyes.. and repeat after me “Meka Leka Hi, MekALPACA Ho”

This is one of my favorite recurring ads; the “Who Searched For You” ads.  On my page, these ads normally feature some attractive young woman who, I am rather certain, has not searched for me. Something like this:

Even though, if anyone is searching your name on the internet, the chances are this guy probably did. Either that or it was your parents who are still wondering why you haven’t friended them yet.

I’ve also been challenged regarding my IQ quite often.  Early on, the ads were rather basic, though apparently not designed by folks who scored very high on the test themselves, as evidenced by this ad FAIL:

I may not be smarter than the average Broncos fan.. then again.. I’m smart enought to know what “average” means.

So, after it was clear that I would not be lured in by the crazy math of the IQ testers, they must have decided to see if they could frighten me into taking their quiz by posting these:

Forget the IQ question,.. how about a question of taste: “WHAT THE CRAP?”

I am that guy who, in the middle of a conversation, will pause to correct your grammar.  This is counteracted by the fact that anytime I tweet something grammatically incorrect or misspelled, I get called on it.. nonetheless, this nugget caught my eye and I now bring to you…

.. and also, lest it go uncelebrated, Fewer English.

Targeted ads are one thing, but ad placement is another.  There’s nothing quite as good as seeing an ad placed in just the right location.. somewhere in context.. somewhere on a page where it is relevant to the rest of that page’s content.. and so.. I leave you with this:

I’m being told this is a problem..

Over at Soul-Audio, I’ve posted a little ditty about my friend “Jack” and his steady girl “Dianne.” Of course, this is entirely untrue.  It’s about cussing and stuff. Click the Soul-Audio image below for a prize… And what is that prize?  Being directed to the actual blog entry.

I’m prepping for a short sermon on the prophet Amos at my home church this Sunday.  The prophet’s central theme  During my prep, I came across this

One day we will have to stand before the God of history and we will talk in terms of things we’ve done. Yes, we will be able to say we built gargantuan bridges to span the seas, we built gigantic buildings to kiss the skies. Yes, we made our submarines to penetrate oceanic depths. We brought into being many other things with our scientific

and technological power. It seems that I can hear the God of history saying, “That was not enough! But I was hungry, and ye fed me not. I was naked, and ye clothed me not. I was devoid of a decent sanitary house to live in, and ye provided no shelter for me. And consequently, you cannot enter the kingdom of greatness. If ye do it unto the least of these, my brethren, ye do it unto me.” That’s the question facing America today.”

That was March 31, 1968 during a lecture Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. delivered entitled “Remaining Awake Through a Great Revolution.”  I’m not sure the revolution ever quite took off.  If you type “1 billion” into the BBC news search, you’ll pick up a story reading that  “English Premier League clubs are wrestling with over 5 billion dollars of debt between them” while “figures also show that EPL wages have passed the 1 billion dollar mark for the first time.”   You’ll also find an article revealing the over 1 billion text messages sent every day, globally.  A few pages back, you’ll eventually come across a short article noting the jump in the number of people living in extreme poverty, which has now exceeded 1 billion people, by even the most conservative estimates.

King, like Amos (who wrote during one of the most prosperous periods in his peoples’ history), was keenly aware that God was never impressed by human progress and achievement; mainly because it usually means that the poor are left somewhere on the side of the road while we hurry on our way to whereverthehell we we’re urgently getting to.  How much more is this true now?  How much greater our power and how much more vast our influence than in Kings time? How far down the road towards ’success’ we are… and how great the number of those we’ve forgotten on the way?

My temptation is to list the many things “we” could do rather than the many things we choose to do with our power and influence.  But instead, I’ll tell this story:

I met Richmond at the Jubilee conference in Pittsburgh.  He was there to ask college students to consider making Compassion sponsorship part of their lives.  He himself had been a sponsored child.  Growing up in Uganda, he’d seen his father shot and killed before him and lived for a time wandering the streets with his mother and sisters.  Mercifully, they settled in a village where Compassion had begun a project in partnership with a local church.  After only a few weeks, Richmond received notice that a woman in America had chosen to sponsor him, giving$32 each month to support the program.  She wrote to him often and often told him that she loved him.  Inspired by the knowledge that he was loved, Richmond applied himself and excelled in school.  Graduating at the top of his class, he applied for and received a scholarship through Compassion’s LDP program to attend a University in Uganda where, once again.. he excelled.

Richmond applied for and received yet another scholarship with which he is now studying at Moody Bible College in Chicago. But the story doesn’t end there.  Upon arrival at Moody, Richmond was given a living stipend.  He took a long look at the money he would need to live on and decided that he could make a few sacrifices in order to clear some room in his monthly budget…

$32 a month…

..so that he could sponsor a child through Compassion.

And so one day Richmond will stand before the God of history and he will talk in terms of things he has done. Yes, he will be able to say he went to college. Yes he even went to graduate school in the wealthiest nation in human history.  And it seems that I can hear the God of history saying, “That was well done!  But what is more,.. I was hungry, and you fed me. I was naked, and ye clothed me. I was devoid of a decent sanitary house to live in, and ye provided shelter for me. And consequently, you may enter the kingdom of greatness. You have done it unto the least of these, my son, you have done it unto me.

Sponsor a child with Compassion International.