I am hoping that you’ve seen them; These ads floating around  touting huge financial gain from “doing nothing.”  Most of the time the ads come equipped with pics of random dude (face obscured for some reason) in the proximity of a Ferrari or a Benz.  The suddenly-wealthy person who posted the ad does so with an interesting mix of enthusiasm for sharing this wonderful new product and a disdain for people… always a great combo for sales.

Now, while these “get rich quick “ads are nowhere near as prevalent on Facebook as they were previously, this sexy beast to the left showed up on my page recently and reminded me of just why, with the help of a friend, I put together my own scam..er.. scheme.

Interestingly, when I submitted the fake ad to Facebook .. I was denied on grounds that… “(Facebook) does not accept advertising referencing, facilitating or promoting…scams, pyramid schemes,…or ‘get rich quick’ and other money making opportunities that offer compensation for little or no investment…”

*blinks* ..aaaalright… well, then…

Now, if you’ve seen one of the actual ad pages (having been awake at 3am and decided to see what would happen if you did click on the ad, you’ll probably enjoy our spoof a touch more.  Nonetheless, even the scam-uninitiated will find some enjoyment in my version.  Here’s the link: http://www.justinmcroberts.com/money/

Last time we saw our hero, there was cat crap strewn about his life by the devious (though apparently not fiber deficient) “BK” or “Big Kitty.”  BK had redirected his fecal assault towards the doorway of the bathroom Our Hero and His Roommate used upstairs… Interestingly, this bathroom was located in the landlord’s living room; essentially meaning that the Dastardly Villain was so committed to Our Hero’s devastation that he was now devastating living room rug.  Our Hero had taken the high road to this point, but would he keep his cool?  Let’s find out…

Stavros (my roommate) and I eventually stopped picking up the poop from the living room carpet.  We figured the rent we paid might cover things like this.  Apparently not.  Over the course of a few months and the normal process of petrification, the doodie became something more like furniture.. some of it useful for things like doorstops or magazine racks.   All this to say, we learned to live with things the way they were for a while.  Eventually we both moved on from there and have since married incredible women… I thought the cat battle was over… I thought that I had moved on…

.. I could not have been more wrong.

In 2001 I purchased and moved into my first home; a 2 bedroom condominium.  Our condo shares walls on either side and shares a drive with 5 other units.  My wife and I were so excited to be homeowners that we were blind to the trap we had fallen prey to; all five of our neighbors… owned at least one cat.. we were surrounded…

And then, one random day, it happened… poop on the doorstep. Felinus Fecalus.  There was no warning.  It just started happening; as if cats from the old neighborhood had networked with BK and cats from the new neighborhood and passed along the standing directive: if it belongs to McRoberts, poop on it.

A few years into our stay in enemy territory, I returned from a bike ride to find that I’d not only left the front door unlocked, I’d left it open. Fool of a Took.  I grabbed a bat from the garage and slowly headed downstairs with it raised above my head, expecting to come across some prowler or hopped-up crackhead going through my fridge in search of leftover Chinese.  As I headed through the doorway, I caught a glimpse of something out of the corner of my eye ducking down the hall towards the bedroom.  I shot like lightening (except nowhere near as fast) down the hall in pursuit, bravely asking God to ensure that the guy wasn’t very big, only to find , sitting on my bed…

..Two..
..Fluffy..
..Cats..

I froze. They froze. I screamed in rage and full horror.  They hissed in response.  I cursed them with the ancient cries of Mothra and Godzilla as I chased them out of the room, back up the hallway and out the front door.  While in pursuit, I all but forgot that I was holding the bat.  Of course, this detail was not lost on my neighbor, who had come outside to see what on earth all the commotion was and saw me chase her two cats out of my doorway holding a bat and hurling curses in Swiss/Tahitian…

What does one say at that point?  All I can tell you is what I said; which was “They were on my bed.. I,.. I don’t know what they were doing.. I wasn’t going to hurt them.”  She said nothing in return.

Fast forward to roughly one month later when that same neighbor showed up at my doorstep in tears.

“Are you alright?” I asked. She didn’t answer the question.
She starred back at me and asked “Do you have a shovel?”
“Wow,” I thought to myself, “she must have really loved that shovel she lost.”
“I think we’ve got a small gardening spade,” I told her “will that work?”
“No,..  it wont.  I need to bury my cat… Someone ran her over.”

Once again… what does one say at that point?  If I come right out and say “I did not kill your cat” it is bound to come off as incriminating.  Equally incriminating would be “Wow, who would do that?” or “I’m sure whoever killed her didn’t intent to” or “Well, it’s about time.”

Dear reader. Hear me and hear me clearly: I did not, nor would I have run over and killed her cat.  I promise.. You must believe me… I do not hate people who have cats.  I hate their cats.  (This is what is called a “moral workaround.”)  On the other hand, I strive to love my neighbor as myself but believe that part of doing so is helping them see that they would be far better off without the cat.

I am surrounded by cats.  I have been for years.  This is an enormous problem in that I cannot stand cats.  It’s not an allergy thing, though I do have some allergic reaction to cat dander.  It’s also not one of those “I’m a guy and cannot like small fuzzy things because it makes me look weak and also feel kinda warm inside” things.  I just get a bad vibe from cats.  Call it male intuition, but I really think they’re up to something as a species; something that is not good; something CATastrophic… He he hahaha.. ha.. ha,.. ahem.

Now, before you think this is all about me randomly selecting an animal at which to direct the anger pent up in me as an Oakland A’s fan, allow me to share a bit of my history…

While I was on Young Life staff, I lived in a basement with another YL staff guy.  It was not really a room.  It was a basement.  We had some stuff in it to sit on and places to put things which made it room-like; but you can create that same effect outdoors.  This was a basement.  The owner of the house who was renting this basement had two cats.  One of them named something cat-ish, like “Felix” or “Tabby” or “Get Behind Me Satan.”  This cat was alright insofar as he/she/it kept to itself upstairs and rarely if ever came near either my roommate or me.  The other cat… well…

…The other cat’s name was “BK,” or “Big Kitty” which is more of a description than a name and therefore a bit like naming one of your children “Daughter #2” or “The Short One…” but that’s beside the point.  The point is that a cat by any other name would still crap on my doorstep.

You see, BK would periodically enter our place and start snooping around; I am assuming he was scoping the joint to see how easily he could hide our bodies when his master plan came to fruition.  We’d shoo the cat out using the “phssst” noise; an act that always leaves a grown man feeling so good about himself.  At one point a guest in our place warned us that if we were not kinder to the cat, the cat would seek some kind of revenge.   She was right.  BK took to the regular practice of pooping in front of our entryway..  When I write that he did it regularly, I mean it was almost everyday.

(here I pause to point out one of the primary differences between cats and dogs.  When dogs have to poop, they simply think “I have to poop right now and would like to know where other dogs have pooped so that I can keep with tradition.”  Cats, on the other hand, when they have to poop, think to themselves “where can I put this that would cause maximum torment and frustration for those who stand in the way of my dastardly plan?”)

We went through several doormats before eliminating the doormat entirely, thinking we might throw BK off.  With the doormat gone, the poop onslaught ceased… or so we thought.  BK had not at all been daunted by our removal of the doormat.  He simply shifted the strategy of his offensive and began pooping in front of our bathroom door… (to be continued)

I’ve guest-blogged for the uber-cool site “Inspired to Action” and will letcha know when it’s up.  I’m pretty sure my piece will be posted on Wed.  Meanwhile, I’d like to give you a small look at some of the more thoughtful (read: automatically generated) comments I’ve received at the blog since I first started blogging a few months ago.  You see, one of the reasons I moved my blog activity from MySpace was to grant more ready access to readers who were not regular MySpace users, not realizing at the time that the term “regular” would grow further and further apart from the term “MySpace user” in just about all ways.  Many of my new readers (read: spam-bots) have gifted me with hours of reflection (read: hours of searching for an effective filter) and joy (read: perplexed rage).  I’d like to share some highlights with you.

It began a while back with a comment on a bit I wrote entitled “Art In The Desert.”  There was an enjoyable exchange of comments between a few readers, when out of the blue I received notification of a comment that began

Fortitude is the marshal of thought, the armor of the will, and the fort of reason.

Wow.  I hadn’t the first inkling of what on earth that meant yet I found myself inspired and hoping he (read: the bot) would elaborate on this nearly Confucius-like tidbit of wisdom; and elaborate he did..

gutmann explorer boot knife sting clone nwuob.

.. which took his previous statement to a level of depth I had never explored.

Shortly thereafter, I received a comment on a post stating that

Romance comes into your life this year in a very unusual way.

This was an interesting, albeit misplaced, prediction of my relational future.  In what unusual way would this romance come into my life?

..nice german combat helmet m16 icdgn// war hats svejs[/link][url=http://amygorsw1983/pumpkin-roll/]war hats svejs[/url]

You’re right, that’d be quite unusual. What was not unusual was for these posts to begin with flattery. For instance:

When you speak honestly and openly, others truly listen to you.

Why, that’s an awfully nice thing to say!  I’ve always valued honesty and strived to allow my transparency as a communicator to draw people in.  The commenter then added

Chihuahua puppies.

Those, too, I suppose. I’ve always valued chihuahua puppies.
Every now and again I’d receive a very forward comment suggesting I take pills to enhance my sex life, which is a common spam theme and yet just about always funny.  But the philosophical theme still tended to dominate.

The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.

..one comment read; going on to extrapolate on the idea of common sense, writing..

housewares ssmyudansk fjord 6 piece steak knife set mint box paxygsuper rare.”

Interesting… I wonder which century that was?

There have been many more.  MANY.  But I will leave you with my favorite, most enlightening and challenging comment from the past few months.   It comes to us from a reader in Russia,.. or more likely in his parents basement in Kansas, where he uses google_translate.  In response to a piece on CA Proposition 8 and my reflections on gay marriage, this reader commented

В нынешней ситуации, большинство из тех, отходят на второй план. Мне непонятно, как мы будем жить, если собака бои системная ошибка ощутимости шлема 5?

Which, when translated into english reads.. “In the current situation, most of those moving away to second place. I wonder how we will live, if dog fights system error tangibility helmet 5?”

I very often wonder the same thing.  Let’s just hope it never comes down to that.

After posting Louis CK’s bit about technology and convenience, I got to thinking about what life might be like were things to seriously fall apart.  So, I present to you the Top 10 Things I’d Miss If The World Reverted To No-Tech

1.  COFFEE MAKER
“Seriously, bro?  That’s the first thing on your list?  You’re totally addicted to caffeine.”  Yes, bro.. Seriously.  And I don’t think i’d call it an addiction.. I’d rather think of it as a relationship.  You just don’t understand what we have, coffee and I.. You just DON’T get it and you never could.. JUST LET US BE!!  Now, I don’t even have one of those fancy coffee makers that grind beans for you and then takes the dog out to pee so I’ll have to add…

2. COFFEE BEAN GRINDER

3. MYSPACE…
Just kidding.

3.  INSTANT MESSENGER
To say “the internet” would be far too general.. But this is one function of the web that I really love.  After years of being on the road, most of my great friendships are elsewhere in the US; IM has been a trusty way to keep connected.

4.  MINI SPACE HEATERS
For a few years, I lived in the basement of a house built on a hill.  My roommate and I had no running water and no heat.  We spent about $40 on a Toastmaster space heater which we later dubbed “the little buddy” for the kind and generous way he kept us warm night after night.

5.  THE DAILY SHOW
Along with Kurt Vonnegut and Friedrich Buechner, Jon Stewart’s jocular and light-hearted handling of humanity’s foibles gives me a sense of normality I do not know what I’d do without.

6.  BASEBALL ON THE RADIO
I’d rather listen to a ballgame than watch on on TV any day.  It’s almost as good as being at the ballpark.  Then again, I can just recreate the magic of being at the park by listening to the game outside with headphones and spilling a beer on myself.

7.  INVISIBILITY CLOAK
I don’t even care if I ever get to use this… Just the thought that it (sorta) EXISTS!! I mean are you KIDDING ME? How cool is that?

8.  THE GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL
Just kidding.. But on that note..

8. CHEESEBURGER (W/BLUE CHEESE)
..Delectable.. Sure, these could be put together over an open flame under the big sky of open country… But I like the way Chili’s does it.

9.  SHAQUILLE O’NEIL’S TWEETS
If you use Twitter, you need Shaq.  Actually, You probably need Shaq no matter what.  He’s 7’1”, 310lb and has a self-deprecating sense of humor that gets funnier the more you know him.

10. MICROSOFT SONGSMITH
No explanation needed.

This is part of why I love observational comedy.  In the middle of laughing my face off, I am struck by the profundity of the comedian’s thinking.  This is one of the best routine’s I’ve heard since early Carlin.