I am surrounded by cats.  I have been for years.  This is an enormous problem in that I cannot stand cats.  It’s not an allergy thing, though I do have some allergic reaction to cat dander.  It’s also not one of those “I’m a guy and cannot like small fuzzy things because it makes me look weak and also feel kinda warm inside” things.  I just get a bad vibe from cats.  Call it male intuition, but I really think they’re up to something as a species; something that is not good; something CATastrophic… He he hahaha.. ha.. ha,.. ahem.

Now, before you think this is all about me randomly selecting an animal at which to direct the anger pent up in me as an Oakland A’s fan, allow me to share a bit of my history…

While I was on Young Life staff, I lived in a basement with another YL staff guy.  It was not really a room.  It was a basement.  We had some stuff in it to sit on and places to put things which made it room-like; but you can create that same effect outdoors.  This was a basement.  The owner of the house who was renting this basement had two cats.  One of them named something cat-ish, like “Felix” or “Tabby” or “Get Behind Me Satan.”  This cat was alright insofar as he/she/it kept to itself upstairs and rarely if ever came near either my roommate or me.  The other cat… well…

…The other cat’s name was “BK,” or “Big Kitty” which is more of a description than a name and therefore a bit like naming one of your children “Daughter #2” or “The Short One…” but that’s beside the point.  The point is that a cat by any other name would still crap on my doorstep.

You see, BK would periodically enter our place and start snooping around; I am assuming he was scoping the joint to see how easily he could hide our bodies when his master plan came to fruition.  We’d shoo the cat out using the “phssst” noise; an act that always leaves a grown man feeling so good about himself.  At one point a guest in our place warned us that if we were not kinder to the cat, the cat would seek some kind of revenge.   She was right.  BK took to the regular practice of pooping in front of our entryway..  When I write that he did it regularly, I mean it was almost everyday.

(here I pause to point out one of the primary differences between cats and dogs.  When dogs have to poop, they simply think “I have to poop right now and would like to know where other dogs have pooped so that I can keep with tradition.”  Cats, on the other hand, when they have to poop, think to themselves “where can I put this that would cause maximum torment and frustration for those who stand in the way of my dastardly plan?”)

We went through several doormats before eliminating the doormat entirely, thinking we might throw BK off.  With the doormat gone, the poop onslaught ceased… or so we thought.  BK had not at all been daunted by our removal of the doormat.  He simply shifted the strategy of his offensive and began pooping in front of our bathroom door… (to be continued)

I’ve guest-blogged for the uber-cool site “Inspired to Action” and will letcha know when it’s up.  I’m pretty sure my piece will be posted on Wed.  Meanwhile, I’d like to give you a small look at some of the more thoughtful (read: automatically generated) comments I’ve received at the blog since I first started blogging a few months ago.  You see, one of the reasons I moved my blog activity from MySpace was to grant more ready access to readers who were not regular MySpace users, not realizing at the time that the term “regular” would grow further and further apart from the term “MySpace user” in just about all ways.  Many of my new readers (read: spam-bots) have gifted me with hours of reflection (read: hours of searching for an effective filter) and joy (read: perplexed rage).  I’d like to share some highlights with you.

It began a while back with a comment on a bit I wrote entitled “Art In The Desert.”  There was an enjoyable exchange of comments between a few readers, when out of the blue I received notification of a comment that began

Fortitude is the marshal of thought, the armor of the will, and the fort of reason.

Wow.  I hadn’t the first inkling of what on earth that meant yet I found myself inspired and hoping he (read: the bot) would elaborate on this nearly Confucius-like tidbit of wisdom; and elaborate he did..

gutmann explorer boot knife sting clone nwuob.

.. which took his previous statement to a level of depth I had never explored.

Shortly thereafter, I received a comment on a post stating that

Romance comes into your life this year in a very unusual way.

This was an interesting, albeit misplaced, prediction of my relational future.  In what unusual way would this romance come into my life?

..nice german combat helmet m16 icdgn// war hats svejs[/link][url=http://amygorsw1983/pumpkin-roll/]war hats svejs[/url]

You’re right, that’d be quite unusual. What was not unusual was for these posts to begin with flattery. For instance:

When you speak honestly and openly, others truly listen to you.

Why, that’s an awfully nice thing to say!  I’ve always valued honesty and strived to allow my transparency as a communicator to draw people in.  The commenter then added

Chihuahua puppies.

Those, too, I suppose. I’ve always valued chihuahua puppies.
Every now and again I’d receive a very forward comment suggesting I take pills to enhance my sex life, which is a common spam theme and yet just about always funny.  But the philosophical theme still tended to dominate.

The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.

..one comment read; going on to extrapolate on the idea of common sense, writing..

housewares ssmyudansk fjord 6 piece steak knife set mint box paxygsuper rare.”

Interesting… I wonder which century that was?

There have been many more.  MANY.  But I will leave you with my favorite, most enlightening and challenging comment from the past few months.   It comes to us from a reader in Russia,.. or more likely in his parents basement in Kansas, where he uses google_translate.  In response to a piece on CA Proposition 8 and my reflections on gay marriage, this reader commented

В нынешней ситуации, большинство из тех, отходят на второй план. Мне непонятно, как мы будем жить, если собака бои системная ошибка ощутимости шлема 5?

Which, when translated into english reads.. “In the current situation, most of those moving away to second place. I wonder how we will live, if dog fights system error tangibility helmet 5?”

I very often wonder the same thing.  Let’s just hope it never comes down to that.

After posting Louis CK’s bit about technology and convenience, I got to thinking about what life might be like were things to seriously fall apart.  So, I present to you the Top 10 Things I’d Miss If The World Reverted To No-Tech

1.  COFFEE MAKER
“Seriously, bro?  That’s the first thing on your list?  You’re totally addicted to caffeine.”  Yes, bro.. Seriously.  And I don’t think i’d call it an addiction.. I’d rather think of it as a relationship.  You just don’t understand what we have, coffee and I.. You just DON’T get it and you never could.. JUST LET US BE!!  Now, I don’t even have one of those fancy coffee makers that grind beans for you and then takes the dog out to pee so I’ll have to add…

2. COFFEE BEAN GRINDER

3. MYSPACE…
Just kidding.

3.  INSTANT MESSENGER
To say “the internet” would be far too general.. But this is one function of the web that I really love.  After years of being on the road, most of my great friendships are elsewhere in the US; IM has been a trusty way to keep connected.

4.  MINI SPACE HEATERS
For a few years, I lived in the basement of a house built on a hill.  My roommate and I had no running water and no heat.  We spent about $40 on a Toastmaster space heater which we later dubbed “the little buddy” for the kind and generous way he kept us warm night after night.

5.  THE DAILY SHOW
Along with Kurt Vonnegut and Friedrich Buechner, Jon Stewart’s jocular and light-hearted handling of humanity’s foibles gives me a sense of normality I do not know what I’d do without.

6.  BASEBALL ON THE RADIO
I’d rather listen to a ballgame than watch on on TV any day.  It’s almost as good as being at the ballpark.  Then again, I can just recreate the magic of being at the park by listening to the game outside with headphones and spilling a beer on myself.

7.  INVISIBILITY CLOAK
I don’t even care if I ever get to use this… Just the thought that it (sorta) EXISTS!! I mean are you KIDDING ME? How cool is that?

8.  THE GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL
Just kidding.. But on that note..

8. CHEESEBURGER (W/BLUE CHEESE)
..Delectable.. Sure, these could be put together over an open flame under the big sky of open country… But I like the way Chili’s does it.

9.  SHAQUILLE O’NEIL’S TWEETS
If you use Twitter, you need Shaq.  Actually, You probably need Shaq no matter what.  He’s 7’1”, 310lb and has a self-deprecating sense of humor that gets funnier the more you know him.

10. MICROSOFT SONGSMITH
No explanation needed.

This is part of why I love observational comedy.  In the middle of laughing my face off, I am struck by the profundity of the comedian’s thinking.  This is one of the best routine’s I’ve heard since early Carlin.

This Sunday, thousands upon thousands of the sports illiterate and “sportarded” will find themselves in one of life’s most dire situations; to be at a Superbowl party hosted at your own house.  So, to the confused, the frustrated, the bored and those who couldn’t tell a fieldgoal from a field mouse, I present to you the “10 Things For Non-Football Fans To Do During The Superbowl Party At Your House.”

1.  Wear a Manchester United jersey and explain that foot+ball=soccer
2.  Intermittently read sections of “Twilight” aloud from the kitchen.
3.  See if you can ask every person in the room (individually and secretly) “Who’s winning?”
4.  Game idea: Every time the color analyst uses a word out of context, look that word up and read the actual definition aloud from the kitchen.
5.  Every time Arizona quarterback Kurt Warner does anything positive, remind the room that it’s because he’s a Christian.
6.  Every time the same Kurt Warner does anything negative, remind the room that God doesn’t care about football.
7. Game Idea: Keep a running tally of the number of times one of your friends watching the game says “C’MON!!”  At the end of the night award the person who uses the phrase most by taking a picture of him sadly slumped in a chair (chances are his team lost) and posting it online with the caption “C’MON!!”
8.  Every once in a while, when nobody is paying attention, rearrange the beverage cups on the table.
9.  Constantly insist that this is not the best HD image you’ve ever seen
10.  Twitter

In a followup to my experience with AT&T’s automated help desk, recently had to work out some issues with my VoIP line.  Vonage’s automated desk rather quickly directed me to one of their highly skilled Customer Service personnel, and was glad to have a real person on the line.. until…

Telcom Customer Service (VCS): Thank you for calling Vonage Customer Service.  How can I help you?

Me (JM): Well, I can’t get a dial tone on my Vonage line.

TCS: Is your phone connected to the Vonage device?

JM: Yes.

TCS: is the Vonage device on?

JM: … Well,.. Yes, of course.

TCS: I only ask because you sound kinda dumb.

JM: Um…

TCS: Are you currently using the Vonage line to call Customer Service?

JM: No.. I’m calling on my cell phone because the Vonage line doesn’t work.

TCS: One phone isn’t enough for you?

JM: I don’t think that’s the point.

TCS: Have you tried re-booting the Vonage device?

JM: You mean kicking it again?

TCS: No, I mean powering it down and then back up again.

JM:  I’ll try that right now.. (*setting phone down)

TCS: You probably should have tried that before you called to bug me.

JM: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, I was restarting the device… Was it important?

TCS: Not really.  Is the device restarted?

JM: Yes

TCS: What are the lights on the device doing?

JM: They’re kinda blinking off and on.. then they’ll just turn off and then turn back on for a few seconds then they’ll start blinking again.

TCS: The word you are looking for is “intermittently.”

JM: Is it on the original packaging? I don’t have that anymore

TCS: No, Mr. Roberts; the LED activity you described is known as “intermittent blinking.”

JM: It’s “McRoberts,” actually..

TCS: Thanks, Mick, but I’m required to call you by your last name  I’ll have to connect you with Tech Support.

JM: Oh. Okay, thanks.

TCS: Please listen to Katy Perry and the Jonas Brothers while you wait…

JM: argh

—————————————————————————–

FOUR DAYS, TWENTY HOURS AND 13 MINUTES LATER
—————————————————————————–

Tech Support (TS): In light of your problem have you tried to Ваш голос змушує мене вірити, що ви нерозумних і дуже коротким?

JM: …

VTS: (huffing and clearly upset) Have you even attempted to ja Jums nav saprast, jūs nevar neko!?

JM: … (blink)…

VTS: Most clients with these issues tend to Bạn gọi cho tôi. Perhpas you should Không chỉ có ngồi trong im lặng. Or even Tôi có thể chơi “Call of Duty” ngay bây giờ thay vì with the latest version of nghe bạn không biết cách sử and update your dụng những thứ bạn mua.

JM:  This seems.. like.. a bad time to call.

VTS: जितना भी?… (click)

—–

Note: I love using Vonage for my business line… Hear that Vonage?  Even if I feel like a 12 year old after being on the phone with your Customer Service reps, I like your product.