There was a time not so long ago (okay it was actually 15 years ago) when I had sworn off television entirely.  While I was raking in preposterous sums of money on Young Life staff, I went without TV for nearly 4 years, seeking much grander forms of entertainment such as eating regularly.  Since being married, Amy and I have gone back and forth with the TV question and have recently come around to wanting TV again. We don’t watch a ton.. mainly, we reserve our consumption to shows like LOST, The Daily Show/Colbert Report, So You Think You Can Dance, a few cooking shows and, of course, Nancy Grace.. er.. um..

With the many services available to us, we climbed back on the horse we’d ridden most recently by returning to the service I will henceforth refer to as the “Beamed From Space” television service.  Because we had previously had the “Beamed From Space” (BFS) television service which mean a much speedier return to the land of the over-advertised.  But the ease of returning to BFS meant another engagement with the world of Customer Service

And if you’ve followed this blog for any length of time, you know what that means… that’s right. Another installment of “Adventures in Customer Service.”

—

Beamed From Space Television Services Customer Support Representative: Thank you for choosing “Beamed From Space.”  Because you are returning to our service we are offering a special package.

Me: Interesting. Tell me about that.

BFSTSCSR: We’re offering, on top of the channels listed in your third rate, low-level, not-as-good package these other channels that are for people more serious about television.

Me: Um.. Well, I don’t really watch much more than a few things..

BFSTSCSR: You’re totally gonna want these ones.

Me: What are they?

BFSTSCSR: The “Movies For Romantics” channel, the “Movies For People Who Like Violence” channel, and 75 channels of Department Store Music: all beamed directly from space.

Me: Alright, whatever.

BFSTSCSR: and should you, in 2 months, 3 weeks 1 day, 14 hrs, 17 min and 4 seconds, forget to call to cancel these channels, you will be charged $19.99 per minute until you do. So let’s finish the rest of the…

Me: (cutting her off) wait.. What was that about canceling those channels?

BFSTSCSR: which part?

Me: The part where you are being conniving and sneaky.. That part.

BFSTSCSR: All you have to do is call the 800 number at that precise time, from a rotary phone while facing Mecca, ask for Larry and use the code word I gave you earlier in this conversation to cancel those channels.

Me: You gave me no code word.

BFSTSCSR: Well, sir. It wouldn’t be much of a code word if it were obvious.

Me: I’m not so sure I want to do this anymore.

BFSTSCSR: You’ve already been registered sir. Our agents are currently on their way to your home to install the Space Beam Receiving and Translation Equipment.  You do NOT want to anger our agents.

Me: I don’t want to anger anyone but I’m also not going to use your service. Please go ahead and cancel my account.

BFSTSCSR: As you wish, sir. Just be aware that this will result in a rather significant early cancellation fee and may be a risk to the lives of any pets you keep outside at night.

Me: WHA? I just called you 10 minutes ago.  I don’t even have service yet. How can there be a cancellation fee?

BFSTSCSR: I assure you, sir, that the signal is currently being beamed directly from space to your home.  If you are having difficulty receiving the signal, there must be some kind of equipment malfunction on your end. I will send a team of Space Beam Receiving and Translation Equipment Repair Specialists/Assassins to your location.

(KNOCK KNOCK)

BFSTSCSR: That would most likely be them…

Me: Amy, do NOT answer the door!!

In a followup to my experience with AT&T’s automated help desk, recently had to work out some issues with my VoIP line.  Vonage’s automated desk rather quickly directed me to one of their highly skilled Customer Service personnel, and was glad to have a real person on the line.. until…

Telcom Customer Service (VCS): Thank you for calling Vonage Customer Service.  How can I help you?

Me (JM): Well, I can’t get a dial tone on my Vonage line.

TCS: Is your phone connected to the Vonage device?

JM: Yes.

TCS: is the Vonage device on?

JM: … Well,.. Yes, of course.

TCS: I only ask because you sound kinda dumb.

JM: Um…

TCS: Are you currently using the Vonage line to call Customer Service?

JM: No.. I’m calling on my cell phone because the Vonage line doesn’t work.

TCS: One phone isn’t enough for you?

JM: I don’t think that’s the point.

TCS: Have you tried re-booting the Vonage device?

JM: You mean kicking it again?

TCS: No, I mean powering it down and then back up again.

JM:  I’ll try that right now.. (*setting phone down)

TCS: You probably should have tried that before you called to bug me.

JM: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that, I was restarting the device… Was it important?

TCS: Not really.  Is the device restarted?

JM: Yes

TCS: What are the lights on the device doing?

JM: They’re kinda blinking off and on.. then they’ll just turn off and then turn back on for a few seconds then they’ll start blinking again.

TCS: The word you are looking for is “intermittently.”

JM: Is it on the original packaging? I don’t have that anymore

TCS: No, Mr. Roberts; the LED activity you described is known as “intermittent blinking.”

JM: It’s “McRoberts,” actually..

TCS: Thanks, Mick, but I’m required to call you by your last name  I’ll have to connect you with Tech Support.

JM: Oh. Okay, thanks.

TCS: Please listen to Katy Perry and the Jonas Brothers while you wait…

JM: argh

—————————————————————————–

FOUR DAYS, TWENTY HOURS AND 13 MINUTES LATER
—————————————————————————–

Tech Support (TS): In light of your problem have you tried to Ваш голос змушує мене вірити, що ви нерозумних і дуже коротким?

JM: …

VTS: (huffing and clearly upset) Have you even attempted to ja Jums nav saprast, jūs nevar neko!?

JM: … (blink)…

VTS: Most clients with these issues tend to Bạn gọi cho tôi. Perhpas you should Không chỉ có ngồi trong im lặng. Or even Tôi có thể chơi “Call of Duty” ngay bây giờ thay vì with the latest version of nghe bạn không biết cách sử and update your dụng những thứ bạn mua.

JM:  This seems.. like.. a bad time to call.

VTS: जितना भी?… (click)

—–

Note: I love using Vonage for my business line… Hear that Vonage?  Even if I feel like a 12 year old after being on the phone with your Customer Service reps, I like your product.